Well, this is hard to write and even harder for me to comprehend. I have in all means of the words “let myself go”. Last year my lowest weight was 304 in April. Here I am 30 pounds heavier, a year older, and weighing the most I have ever weighed. When have I had enough? When will I push myself and eat well? When will I work out consistently? I need change. I need to be healthy.

I have recognized the things that are keeping me back. I need to overcome these obstacles so I can see a lasting difference.

First thing I have to admit is, I am addicted to sugar. Yes this is a real addiction. It has been study by multiple doctors and scientist and it is an addiction. I can not go a day with out sugar. I have small candies and some days a candy bar, honey in my teas, sugar in my coffee, and loads of unhealthy carbs such as crackers.

The second thing I admit is, I have a hard time managing the food I eat. Every meal is full of carbs and is way too much. I tend overeat most days, causing me to feel groggy. My calorie intake is way too much and I need to monitor my food.

The final thing I have to admit is, my workouts are not as strong as they should be and not as consistent. I have been going to the gym for over a year, however, I have too many days off and don’t really push myself. I need to be able to workout 4 times a week and really try hard. I loath going to the gym and working out but I know eventually I will love it.

This is a mental battle first and foremost. If I keep my mind strong, don’t give into temptations, and truly push myself, I will succeed. Thank you all for the constant support. I won’t let you or myself down anymore.

When it comes to gym vs home workouts I tend to prefer gym workouts. There is a great sense of community, I feel like I push myself harder, and there are so many machines to use! Now this doesn’t mean I can’t get a kick ass home workout. It just means that the gym is my preference.

At a gym there are so many people who are working on themselves just like you! I currently go to a gym that has a mix of people looking to loose weight, body builders, older people, and even just those trying to keep healthy. I find myself enjoying being surrounded by people who are on their own journey. Also having all these eyes around help me push myself harder. I use them as an energy boost. I see people giving it there all and in turn I give it my all.

Let’s talk about all those crazy machines! It seems like there is always a new machine every time I go to the gym. There is so much to choose from and a few quick YouTube searches and you’ll be a pro at a machine in no time! It makes building muscle easier and the different cardio machines keep workouts feeling fresh.

At home I don’t have to go anywhere to get my workout which is a plus but also a minus! I find myself not getting into the proper mind state and I am not surrounded by the same energy I get at a gym. Sure there is no 15-20 minute drive so it saves time but I definitely need to be in the mood for it. I have done some real hard home workouts and I do love them however, I feel like a gym is worth the investment!

Yes! That’s right! I weigh a whooping 320 lbs and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I’ve spent months weighing this amount. I just can’t seem to shed the weight. I’ve been doing cardio and weightlifting but still I maintain this weight. I am dealing with all sorts of pains that I never had as an adolescent and it’s seriously a bummer.

I have back, knee, ankle, and foot pain. These pains are caused by an ankle that was broken twice, a torn meniscus (torn tissue in knee), and plantar fasciitis ( inflammation of a thick band of tissue that connects the heel bone to the toes). What’s the best medicine for these? Loosing weight. I know it to be true and it’s what I need to get done.

Being 320 pounds makes it hard to enjoy life to its fullest. I can’t go on long hikes, feel confident at the beach, or feel sexy. I love the outdoors and hiking to beautiful places but at my weight it makes trips like this difficult. I need constant breaks, need to go slow, and I’m just not capable of making some of the longer and harder hikes. When it comes to confidence, I find myself ashamed of my body and unwilling to let my skin show. Yes we are all beautiful and I do love myself but I do not love the extra weight. This also ties into feeling sexy. I can’t take off my clothing without feeling sick. I personally wouldn’t want to have sex with me. Sure there are guys into super curvy women but I am for sure not one of them. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say “I’d tap that.”

Why have I spent months at 320 lbs? Even though I workout I am not putting in the work on the food. I am sneaking sweets, extra carbs, and eating too much. I am at a constant battle with my body and I am loosing. I crave foods and I satisfy myself instead of holding strong and saying NO! I need to learn to say NO and my weightloss journey will truly begin. Today I will say NO. Tomorrow has become today. No more “tomorrow I’ll do better.” Today I will do better.

My weakness and vice is food. It’s time to admit that food is my addiction. We all have our own weaknesses and carbs and sugar are mine.

I haven’t gone a day without sugar in years. My mind says no but my subconscious says yes. I become a different person when I am tempted with sweets and unhealthy carbs. I morph into this fiend that I do not know or understand. I tell myself “tomorrow you wont eat stuff like this, tomorrow you will be better” but when will tomorrow become today?

Someday’s I eat healthy all day but then at the end of the day I relapse. I binge on unhealthy food and go to sleep feeling bad about myself just to repeat the same thing the next day. Sometimes I tell myself “just one piece of chocolate isn’t bad” then I end up eating a whole candy bar or two. Then I wonder how I’ve gained so much weight over the years.

In order to break away from this addiction I have to change the way I think. My mind needs to be stronger than the addition. Every day I am working towards changing my mentality and being stronger than myself. I am working on not turning into this fiend. It’s easier to say than do but I can do it and you can too!

My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I remember very clearly that even in kindergarten I was a chunky child. Looking back on photos I never looked severely overweight but I was definitely on the heavier end of the spectrum. Over the years everyone assumed as I grew tall my weight would fall off. That obviously never happened.

At just 8 years old my mother (bless her heart) sat me down on my bed and told me I was no longer her “little girl.” She told me that I was fat and that people judged me (and her) and it was time for me to loose weight. So her plan was to put me on the Atkins diet. I was no longer able to eat carbs which caused me to sneak food when no one was looking. I started binge eating bread, pasta, and sweets. A habit that stuck with me for nearly 20 years.

Needless to say her plan didn’t work. It caused a resentment that lasted me through my adolescents. Now as and adult I have no one to blame but myself. I have gone on long enough putting my weight issue on other peoples shoulders. I have blamed everyone but myself for years. Yes, my parents didn’t feed me the healthy food however, I was the one that decided to go in for seconds and even thirds!

I was the one who let myself go after high school. I am now 80 lbs heavier than I was at 18. I am 50 lbs heavier than I was 3 years ago when I started working in a hospital. I am the largest that I have ever been.

Now at the age of 25 I am ready to loose the weight I have struggled with for 20 years. I have tried to loose weight before but was never truly serious. This time my very life depends on it. Follow me along this journey, lend me your kind words, give me the support I need, and I in turn will share the difficult journey with you.